Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 149
Royal fruitcakes and other nuptial madness
I
can’t help it. I am breathless with
anticipation about the upcoming
royal wedding in the U.K.
No, seriously.
You see, I am earnestly awaiting the announcement it is over —
and, thereby, I will be freed from
the incessant blathering in the news
about it.
Now, a couple of times, I thought
the madness was close to ending.
For example, there was one tease
on television that was saying a certain location was where what’s-hername is spending her last night as a
single woman. So I, in high hopes,
assumed the next day it would all
be over.
No such luck.
They were talking about some
night off in the future.
Come on. Even you starry-eyed
romantics have to admit that you’re
tired of this whole business. Just
get the freaking thing over with,
right?
Yadda-yadda, pomp, circumstance, drag a big sheet around behind you, kiss, wave, yadda-yadda,
put it to rest. Please.
I mean, fairytales are supposed
to be short stories. This deal is like
Cinderella by Tolstoy.
To help make my case, I offer a
survey that recently came across
my email inbox. In this survey, 39
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
percent of the respondents noted
they would, literally, rather have
root canal than watch the royal
wedding.
Yet even though I be hatin’ on
the weddin’, the survey presented
one other item of royal nuptial nonsense that I must address.
It noted that 78 percent of the respondents were skeptical of what’sher-name’s choice of fruitcake as
the wedding cake.
I kid you not. Fruitcake.
However, I have the opposite
point of view from those respondents. I think fruitcake is a brilliant
choice for a wedding cake.
You see, one very small fruitcake
will “feed” a multitude. And that’s
because 98 percent of the wedding
guests will take a pass on it.
“Oh, no thank you, Princess.
None for me. I ate a bad banger last
night.”
It’s probably all part of the royals
being cost-conscious for this event.
And there’s a reason they should
be. They say Britain is struggling
with the deepest recession in decades, so, to keep public costs to
a minimum, the royal family and
bride’s family will jointly pay for
the service, the reception and the
honeymoon.
I say, good show!
(But the British taxpayers will
foot the bill for the security, estimated to be in the millions of
pounds.)
So with this wedding fruitcake
fake in mind, I find myself wondering if those cheeky royals have
secretly implemented other costcutting or expenditure-recouping
features into the wedding plans.
Maybe the train of the wedding
gown will be repurposed as a shade
awning for Wembley Stadium, for
use when the roof jams.
Maybe all those ridiculous
bridesmaid outfits (you know they
will be) will become parasails, flying over Lake Havasu. (Remember,
we already have London Bridge
there.)
Maybe all those top hats and
“morning” suits will be sold for use
in Broadway dance numbers.
With less speculation, I read that,
to save money, the royal wedding
breakfast will be a buffet, which
is unheard of, my good man. And
I can only imagine palace security
watching closely to make sure the
queen, new to all this, doesn’t jump
the line for seconds.
I can just see her tong-fencing
Camilla over the last slice of toast.
Of course, the buffet costs were
reduced significantly when Fergie
was scratched off the guest list.
And finally, the majority of the
royal family will arrive at the wedding onboard rented buses. Only
the queen, Prince Philip, Prince
Charles and Camilla will be exempt from the budget-friendly travel plan. They get limos.
To save on gas and make up for
this, the wedding couple will ride
away after the wedding in a horsedrawn carriage.
Anyway, I guess we’re down to
a week before this wedding, this
worldwide infatuation with royalty
and frivolous fabric, gets its catharsis. And one can only hope that at
least one television channel will eschew the nuptials and run a “Three
Stooges” marathon — or, at least,
“Root Canals through History.”
But look for slices of the wedding
fruitcake to appear on eBay — because there will be plenty leftover,
and there is money to be made.
Clever royals.
Comment at jwalker@the-signal.
com or on Twitter @DontSeriously
or @SCVSignal.
