Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 143
The aspiration of procrastination
D
id you have a good
week, Bunky? Finally press the right
combination of buttons to
add that hour to your car’s
clock? Looking forward to
spring starting this Sunday
and all that rebirth and renewal stuff? Well, I hate to
break it to you but today,
March 18, is the 77th day of
the year.
Yeah, already.
You’re more than 20 percent in. And what have you
accomplished? All those
things you were going to
change, do, improve, remove or make smell better
are still nagging you, faintly, as they fade into the mist
of “maybe next year.”
So what have you been
doing with the first fifth of
the year, my friend?
You’ve been procrastinating, stalling and avoiding.
To put it plainly, doin’ the
old dodge and duck.
Oh, you can paint it any
color you want — the kids
were sick, you had that
plumbing leak, the weather hasn’t cooperated, you
couldn’t find the hamster,
or you were hypnotized by
Charlie Sheen — but, as
with every year, the overall
theme, your true and actedupon manifesto, is stalling.
Remember ...
You “sprained your ankle” on your first jog on Jan.
2. And, somehow, it acts up
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
every time you lace up your
running shoes. Instead of
hitting the pavement, proper
therapy requires you to regularly soak your ankle in the
spa while you have a beer
— or three.
You were going to “live
on lettuce” and drop 20
pounds. But you had to wait
things out in Bugerville until you got official documentation that the E. coli-in-produce scare was over.
You were going to
make regular deposits into
your savings account. But
somehow the lottery hasn’t
cooperated. And some “necessities” suddenly sprang
up — most notably the “stipend” you send to that “old
friend” who found you on
Facebook, who promises to
keep “that thing she knows
about” on the down-low.
You were going to learn
Spanish so you could communicate with, you know,
most everyone around you.
But you’re still waiting for
your cousin Ralph to get
you that pirated copy of Rosetta Stone.
You were going to take
that last class you needed
for your A.A. degree, but,
as usual, you couldn’t find
exactly what you needed,
which was Theory of Video Gaming, on Tuesdays between 7:43 and 8:37 p.m.
You were going to read
“War and Peace” and the
“Practical Manual of Telepathy,” but little things kept
getting in the way, such as
calling your mom or actually asking your wife how her
day went. Seriously, your
stall-mechanisms will go to
any length, even flossing, to
avoid cracking those puppies open. And there is always that wild eyebrow hair
that needs to be trained.
Now, all this stalling, procrastination and dillydallying could, actually, make
you feel guilty — you know,
if someone were to point it
all out to you. But despair
not. You are in great company. Some of the most famous people in history have
been noted for their avoidance of uncomfortable
things.
For instance…
While not exactly stalling, King Henry VIII went
to incredible lengths to
avoid having to stay married to any particular wom-
an. Those lengths included changing laws, numerous
executions and creating a
whole new church. Though
you may not think of Henry fondly, you definitely
have to admire his flair for
avoiding the stodgy tried
and true.
And, speaking of a
flair for avoidance, consider Scheherazade, who avoided being executed for 1,001
crazy Arabian nights because she either wouldn’t
or couldn’t come up with
an ending to her long story. Some say it was merely
“writer’s” block, but either
way that’s some powerful
procrastination.
While Samuel
Coleridge, one of the great
poets of the 19th century,
did manage to finish “The
Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” it is said he completed
little else, constantly putting
off almost every obligation
or project he ever had.
And then there is Leonardo da Vinci. He was
called a distractible, doodling scatterbrain by Pope
Leo X, who is said to have
exclaimed, “This man will
never accomplish anything!
He thinks of the end before
the beginning.”
Like Leonardo, isn’t
thinking of the end before
the beginning what all of us
who procrastinate are really
doing? We just have a greater vision, picturing how
things will be and avoiding
all the messy steps it takes
to get there.
Now, we missed International Procrastination Week,
which is traditionally celebrated during the first or
second week in March. But
this is acceptable, according
to the Procrastination Club
of America, because, basically, celebrating late means
you procrastinated.
And finally, take hope
from this: Traditionally, procrastination has been associated with perfectionism.
This means, by avoiding
things, we are really reaching for a higher consciousness — and are to be admired.
That’s how I look at it,
anyway.
Jim Walker proudly admits
to procrastinating as long as
possible before writing this
column — even going so far
as to exfoliate and balance
his checkbook rather than
face the blank page on the
computer screen. Comment
at jwalker@the-signal.com or
on Twitter, @DontSeriously
or @SCVSignal.
