Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 142
A look at Charlie’s antics,
‘winning’ and train wrecks
I
Walker
Continued from A1
There are actually a couple of
such-described wrecks, but the
one considered the worst occurred in 1918 in Nashville. Two
passenger trains collided headon while traveling at an estimated 50 to 60 miles per hour.
The impact derailed both trains,
killed 101 people and injured 171
more.
One can picture the two engineers (looking a lot like Charlie),
glaring madly down the track
and shouting “Win-ning!” just
before impact.
And I suppose those 171 who
were injured might have described their experience as “winning” when they compared themselves to the 101 who didn’t make
it. One for-sure positive outcome
will admit to finding myself open-mouthed and
riveted to my TV screen
quite often these last couple
of weeks, watching the train
wreck that is Charlie Sheen.
Probably like you, I am astounded by this theater of the
macabre and find myself saying, to myself, “You couldn’t
write this stuff!” Even last
week’s “Saturday Night Live”
parody of his antics didn’t
come close to being as weird
as the real thing.
And Charlie will evermore
be ridiculed as the originator of the sarcastically — and
nasally pronounced — “winning,” uttered to indicate when
something isn’t really doing
so.
Now, you should know that
I liked “Two and a Half Men,”
at least until Chaz began to
show physical wear and tear
— and until his character on
the show became a one-note
reflection of what is, apparently, his real life.
However, now I find myself rooting for him to totally hit bottom, so he can start
coming back up. And that’s
because I’ve seen this destructive, manic behavior before — when I worked on the
locked ward of a psychiatric
hospital.
(Well, at least they told me I
was working there.)
But I won’t kick a man
(much) who doesn’t yet know
he’s down, and I hope for the
best for Charlie and his family.
Still, the Sheen Show brings
to mind many “train wrecks”
that have occurred throughout
recorded history, and I wonder
if spinning them with the description of “win-ning” would
have, in any way, changed how
they were viewed in perpetuity.
Take, for instance ...
The Great Train Wreck:
was a switch to better-made railroad cars.
So, win-ning?
Exxon Valdez Oil Spill: Capt.
Hazelwood may or may not
have been “partying like Charlie Sheen” before the tanker ran
aground, and many thousands of
birds, otters, seals and whales
would probably not consider the
oil spill as “win-ning.” But, as
with the train wreck, new and
better regulations came out of it,
so ’t’sallgood, right?
Great Chicago Fire: One
can picture Mrs. O’Leary’s
cow (again, with Charlie’s face)
“Mooo-win-ning” just before
she kicked the lantern over. But
the famous song lyric indicates
the cow actually said: “There’ll
be a hot time in the old town tonight!”
And I understand the O’Leary
cottage survived the fire, so
that’s a suspicious win. Beyond
that, the rebuilding of Chicago supposedly led to the city becoming one of the most economically important in America.
Black Death: We read that the
plague that swept Europe in the
14th century wiped out approximately 40 percent of the population. With so few workers available after the plague, wages rose
for laborers, and landowners had
to start offering them “extras,”
such as food and drink.
Definitely win-ning, you
know, for the survivors.
Wars: Generals and governments have always tried to spin
military disasters into positive
press, and sometimes they outright lie.
Back in the days when the
Athenians and Spartans duked
it out, anything better than total retreat would be celebrated by
erecting a “victory” monument
at the site of the battle. Now, if
both sides put up shrines and said
they won, who won?
Certainly not the dead, who
were first “despoiled,” then “returned under a flag of truce.”
Basically, even the worst of defeats can be considered a victory
if you are in the right mindset. For
example, in the European theater
of World War II, Hitler probably
thought that blowing his brains out
before the Russians captured him
was a win.
However, his dog Blondi had a
different point of view and was,
reportedly, less than enthusiastic
about taking cyanide.
On the other side of the world,
the bombing of Pearl Harbor started the fighting in the Pacific theater, which the Allies eventually won. Some conspiracy theorists
even believe we let those ships be
sunk just to get things rolling.
Maybe Charlie is playing the
same sort of “rope a dope,” getting
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
Now I find myself
rooting for him to
totally hit bottom, so
he can start coming
back up.
See WALKER, A11
fired so his return will seem so
much more triumphant.
“Win-ning.”
In summation then, anything
can be win-ning, when you’re
spinning. But if you want the general population to agree, you’d better show some concrete results.
Manic rants don’t count.
Sadly, knowing that money is
everything in Hollywood, Chaz
will probably get a new series long
before he gets his head together.
Some executives will gain,
Charlie will lose, still thinking
he’s win-ning, and the rest of us
will need a long scrub in the shower.
Walker’s opinions may have
been tainted by that stretch of
“employment” in the hospital and
should, therefore, be humored and
forgiven. You can e-mail him at
jwalker@the-signal.com or comment on Twitter @DontSeriously
and @SCVSignal.
