Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 141
What will I give up for Lent? Everything
I
t has been a year since
my Don’t Take Me Seriously columns first
stumbled onto the main
news pages of The Signal.
Combining that with the
fact that they will now be
on the main news pages every Friday (and not in Escape on alternate Fridays
anymore), it would seem
an auspicious occasion on
which to look back at a year
that was definitely not to be
taken seriously:
A year ago, my column’s
theme was stupid contests,
of which one was the contest in I then-competed
with myself alone, growing
a mustache for “Mustache
March.” That’s because
the Sports and Copy Desk
Boyz all chickened out and
left me as the sole competitor in a contest they talked
me into in the first place.
Now the truth is that
those Neanderthals grew
and shaved-off their facial hair several times over
the course of my slow, furry disfigurement. And basically, they laughed at me
before, during and after the
contest, secretly calling me
Grizzly-Ed, in reference
to my feeble-minded gullibility.
But I stuck to it, through
the whole month, and won
… well I won nothing.
So yeah, stupid contest.
Other painfully-laughable happenings dripped
their tears into my columns
over the year, resulting in a
couple looks at the agonies
of garage sales, as made
necessary by a failed homeloan modification and subsequent forced home sale.
In that same vein came
looks at hoarding vs. collecting, and the loan-modification rap (which I still
hope to do the YouTube
video for someday).
Together, we looked at
when falling feels like
flying, serendipity, first
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
steps, enjoying life’s speed
bumps, tired Mondays,
Mother’s Day guilt, fame,
the finger, beer rifles, cooties, acronyms, buying high
and selling low, toll-free
numbers, badly spent holidays, aluminum foil, hairpulling in football — and
a number of other explorations of equal gravity and
import to the further existence and betterment of
mankind.
Well, somebody had to
do it.
Now, I had some fun with
all this, and I hope you did,
too.
But the real benefit was
the sanity-saving catharsis
it provided me, through a
year where I lost a home, a
couple girlfriends, most of
my self-respect, millions of
brain cells, no pounds and
the standard 12 months.
But on the other hand,
over the year I’ve learned
… I’ve learned …
… not to grow a mustache.
That’s it.
Seriously.
Well, that and I’ve
learned you can live
through anything if you just
plug your ears, close your
eyes, stamp your feet and
yell “La-la-la-la-la!” loud
enough.
With that in mind, and
with the start of Lent coming Wednesday, I plan
on giving up a few more
things.
Primarily, as you can tell,
that would be trying to be
funny. Next after that, are
whining and kvetching.
Wait … belay that.
Without those last two
services to humankind
there would be no purpose
in life for me.
So what I will give up is
shelter, warmth, comfort,
food, fun, love and any attempt at self-improvement
or getting into heaven. Not
just for Lent, but indefinitely.
That should put me in
the perfect frame of mind
to continue crying into my
beer in print, and thereby
saving you the trouble.
Somewhere in the coming months, I will give a
ranting voice to what you
cannot, or will not — at
least as it relates to the frivolous.
I will count all the bees
in the hive.
I will chase all the clouds
from the sky.
For you, my friends. All
for you.
Well, and me, too.
And, speaking of fiddling
my time away, and in an effort to give you something
of real value here, I provide a historical lesson: Although the Roman Emperor
Nero did imagine himself
a musician, it is impossible
that Nero “fiddled” while
Rome burned, as the popular reference goes.
The violin wasn’t invented until about 15 centuries
later. In fact, the legend that
Nero “fiddled” while Rome
burned began long after Nero’s time, and refers to how
Nero fiddled away his time
on frivolous pursuits.
One can only hope to emulate on so grand a scale.
Walker’s opinions are
offered as a harmless, trivial
pursuits, and any fires arising
around him are purely
coincidental. However, he
has been seen with a violin.
E-mail jwalker@the-signal.
com — and like Charlie
Sheen, now on Twitter at @
DontSeriously.
