Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 138
Your life is more interesting in euphemism
O
f late, circumstances have necessitated
that I live what I like
to describe as a “Bohemian”
lifestyle.
I describe it that way because Bohemian is such a
pretty appellation. It brings
to mind artist’s lofts, wine
sipped at sidewalk cafes in
Paris, the angst of poetic
youth and one-eared painters.
However, in my case, Bohemian is a euphemism
for being semihomeless
and spending a lot of time
searching The Signal’s classifieds and Craigslist for
new digs.
And of course perusing
there, especially at Craigslist, you run into a lot of
other euphemisms.
Now keep in mind, I do
not search the Craigslist personals. So, imagine my surprise when one room for
rent suggested the potential renter must enjoy a “free
spirit” lifestyle. This, I soon
realized, meant everyone in
the house ran around naked.
Of course I went over
to the home, you know, to
scout out things and make a
video for reference later.
But I never had any intention of actually renting the
room. I mean, it’s winter,
and kind of cold, if you get
my drift.
Another Craigslist euphemism I came across also related to the lifestyle of a potential room-renter.
The ad requested a
“420-friendly” applicant.
Here, my bear trap of a
mind immediately surmised
this had something to do
with an advanced form of
401(k). And being in need
of a burgeoning retirement
portfolio, I toddled on over
there to see how this room
could help my finances.
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
When I arrived, the air
was a bit too-thick with
what seemed like some kind
of incense, but I sat down to
chat with those Bohemians,
anyway.
Somewhere soon after
that, mathematical calculations became the last thing
I was capable of doing. And
since the whole financial
benefit seemed to be related to resale of some kind of
recreational substance, and
not a retirement account, I
left after finishing off a bag
of Oreos.
But ever since that experience, my mind seems
to take a much more philosophical look at things, and
so it wanders into the world
of euphemisms in general — and how they sort of
grease the wheels of life.
I mean, one definition of
“euphemism” is “the substitution of a mild, indirect or vague expression for
one thought to be offensive,
harsh or blunt.”
Consider “air support” to
replace “bombing,” “effluent” to replace “sewage,”
and “athletic supporter” to
replace “jock strap.” The euphemisms are just so much
more genteel.
Euphemisms are kind of
like good manners in the
short form. And so any verbal dodge seems to fit the
category.
Take, for example when
you are asked, “What do
you think of my new hairstyle?” You reply with the
euphemism, “interesting.”
And then you quickly take a
phone call.
When your boss angrily asks, “Do you like working here?” your euphemistic
reply is, “Boss, it’s right up
there.” The fact you mean
it’s right up there with sticking needles in your eyes is
kept to yourself.
Euphemisms are, basically, “white lies,” which is a
euphemism for “lies.” And
they can certainly be used
on resumes and to describe
your life circumstances to
potential significant others.
But you have to be creative.
Describing your financials as “interesting,” while
vague enough, isn’t going to
fool anyone these days.
You need something
fresher, such as “explosive.”
This has the sound of upward mobility but is really
a euphemism for “blown to
pieces.”
Describing your, as yet
unseen, looks as “classic”
has always been, and still is,
a good cover.
The euphemism conjures up images of you looking like classic movie star
Clark Gable, when you are
more in line with the classic
Quasimodo.
When it comes to your relationship status, “seeking
new experiences” covers a
lot of territory, but it might
bring to mind visions of the
bondage basement in “Pulp
Fiction.”
Why not use “hopeful”
instead? That sounds so
sweet — regardless of what
you are hoping for.
In regard to your resume,
it’s hard to euphemize job
qualifications by the paragraph.
But your summary statements in e-mails or conversations at parties can get
you to the next level if you
include such words as “team
player” or “resourceful”
when “hits on every girl in
the plant” or “psychopathic stalker” are closer to the
truth.
And, finally, when you
aim to impress others, using euphemisms to describe
your lifestyle, temperament
or career is always a good
idea.
Generalities and hazy
statements intrigue more
suckers. Specifics only give
them more reason to run.
“Outdoorsman” is attractive, while “homeless” is not so much. “Insightful” sounds charming,
while “insufferable criticizer” does not, and “sociable”
will bring out “awwws”
when “hooker” probably
won’t.
So, let’s all try to use
more euphemisms. The
world will be a much more
“special” place.
Saying Walker’s opinions
are his own, and not The
Signal’s, is a euphemism for
saying he is constantly skating on thin ice and the paper will leave him flapping
in the breeze if anyone complains.
jwalker@thesignal.com
