Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 137
ESCAPE Weekly
Feb. 11 - 17, 2011 – 13
Your anonymous card
On this Valentine’s Day, lift
a deserving someone’s spirits
with a card. Just don’t get caught!
S
omehow or another, I always do a column
around Valentine’s Day — you know, trashing
Valentine’s Day. Well, this year, in the spirit of
hearts and flowers ….
Oh, who am I kidding?
Here we go again.
Valentine’s Day is this coming Monday — a day of
romance, love, appreciation,
candy … and, especially,
cards. I understand that
approximately one billion
Valentine’s Day cards are
sent each year.
Wow! Express a
sentiment, kill a tree.
Just lovely.
And, knowing how
Jim Walker
insensitive and cynical guys
Don’t Take Me Seriously
are, it only makes gendersense that women send more
V-Day cards than men do. So let’s say, conservatively,
there are 600 million cards sent by women each year.
Of course, many women will send multiple cards. So,
spitballing a figure of 10 cards per woman, that would
mean some 60 million women are sending Valentine’s
Day cards each year.
Are you still with me?
Now here is the clinker.
Statistics show that, each year, 25 percent of
women send themselves a Valentine’s Day card.
Seriously.
That would mean at least 15 million lonely
women are pretending to have lovers and/or admirers
on V-Day.
Could anything be sadder?
Of course I will admit many of these 15 million
women might actually be married or have boyfriends
— but, guys being guys, the women still need to
pretend their men care enough to send Valentine’s
Day cards.
Ouch.
But who are these women attempting to impress,
and why? And whose pockets are they lining?
Some devilishness is causing these poor ladies to
Metro Creative Connection
feel a great lack if they are not showered with love
on Feb. 14.
Why, just the other day I overheard some women
talking about how they were going to do a group
chocolate binge on Monday night, in lieu of having
significant others of any romantic bent. While I
will admit this may be more chocolate-motivated
than therapeutic, it still highlights the savagery of
the red day.
My friends, this is an evil holiday — one designed
to break the hearts of those without functional
romantic relationships, and designed to break the
budgets of those who do.
Ladies and gents, I would stop this madness if I
could. In fact, I have tried mightily over the years
to do just that through high-minded boycotts,
low-minded anti-Valentines, and good-old
American penny-pinching (and, of course, these
columns). But, still, the red current continues to
carry me downstream along with the rest of you
drowning lemmings.
But I will shine one small light in the darkness. I
will make a helpful suggestion.
Gentlemen, let each of us, anonymously, send one
Valentine to a lonely woman. Sign it “Your Secret
Admirer.” In this way she is guaranteed to get two
such Valentines (remember, she’s sending herself one)
and yours is the one that will actually lift her spirits.
Of course there are a few things to consider with
these altruistic mailings or hand deliveries:
First, boys, don’t give an anonymous gift of
admiration to a girl who doesn’t need it. It will only
inflate her ego and set all her boyfriends to biting
each other’s hind quarters.
Second, you must never be found out by your
Valentine recipient. The purpose is to lift her spirits,
not warn her that the creepy guy in cubicle eight has a
crush on her. You are doing this for her, not you.
Third, you must never be found out by your
wife, either. While you might, actually, deserve to
be dragged behind your old lady’s Harley, the sweet,
lonely, innocent recipient of your Valentine does not.
So, in summation, gentlemen, make the world a
kinder, gentler place. Lift a deserving someone’s spirits
for the price of a Hallmark and stamp. True, we’ll kill
even more trees, but they will die in the service of a
nobler purpose.
Oh, and Bro … if you send a card to my lady, I
will hunt you down.
jwalker@the-signal.com
