Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 131
The amazing utility of aluminum foil
uring the ODWH
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the television news people
added yet another paranoia
to our pile when they
warned us that clever
thieves can literally scan
our butts from as far away
as 30 feet and steal our
credit card info from the
cards in our wallets.
It’s all because of those
tiny RFID (radio frequency
ID) tags that Big Brother
now requires our cards to
carry. Completely unprotected and unencrypted in
any way, these little finks
are constantly beaming our
account information off to
the ne’er-do-wells who surround us.
Now, supposedly, this
RFID-thing was foisted on
us so that those who protect
us from ourselves could be
sure each of us is who we
say we are. But it would
seem all they have accomplished is to ensure almost
anyone can be who we say
we are.
As it turns out, there are
two ways one can combat
this sharing of personal info
with the multitudes. You
can try to destroy the RFID
tag, which is not recommended, and makes the
feds very nervous — or you
can put a temporary mute on
its identity blabbering.
To accomplish the latter,
you can purchase a special
RFID wallet that blocks
signal transmissions. You put
your cards, IDs or passports
in this clunky can and put
the can in your back pocket
— you know, the
D
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
pocket not already occupied
by your hip flask.
Thus, your sitting will
be doubly hard, but balanced. And you can slosh
and clank your way around
the crowded mall with confidence in your financial
security.
Of course, the simple fix
is aluminum foil.
I kid you not. We are
told that, if we wrap tagged
cards in foil, it tones down
the signal so much that card
thieves will have to get
within an inch of the cards
to swipe our info — basically taking them back to
the good old days of pickpocketry and groping.
Yes, at first it will be a
little embarrassing when
you pull out your credit
card at the cashier’s counter and have to peel the foil
away before using it. But
when everyone gets onboard, this process will be
the norm.
So what if it slows down
the assembly line of spending?
Thinking further about
this tagging thing, as any
proper paranoid would, it
only seems logical that the
government will soon want
to implant RFID tags in
our heads — and the cure
for this harkens back to the
good old days of the foil
helmet.
We called them crazy
back then, but those folks
who walked around all day
with their noggins wrapped
in foil might just have been
ahead of their time. While
they thought they were
wearing the metallic shield
to prevent subversives from
reading their minds or to
prevent aliens from beaming in bad thoughts, they
just may have been practicing good identity hygiene.
But why stop there?
Do you really think
the bazillions of electromagnetic waves battering
your body 24/7 aren’t doing damage? Cell phones,
television broadcasts, low
frequency electromagnetic fields, radio transmissions, microwave leakage
— if these things were visible they would block out
the view of anything else.
And all of them are going
right through you constantly. While the foil headdress
might protect you from the
phone cooking your brain
from the ear-in, you need a
full-body aluminum wrap,
my friend.
Besides, I hear it can be
slimming.
Let’s get the science boys
off the 3-D and video-game
projects and onto aluminum-protection technology.
And let’s get the fashionistas off the 9-inch heels. Together, they can come up
with some attractive, full-
body radiation protection.
And if they can do it with
a lotion, like sunscreen, so
much the better. (In any
case, they are now obliged
to cut me in on the profits.)
Good old omnipotent aluminum foil — you can cook
campfire meals in it, bake
cookies on it, seal plastic
bowls with it, decorate with
it, use it on apartment windows and chew it for sport.
And now, it can protect
your identity and probably
prevent cancer.
You just might want to
invest in aluminum stocks,
my friends, because this
thing could blow up big.
And for the time being, I’m
hanging onto my giant balls
o’ foil.
Though he offers his
opinions for fun, and
claims not to be serious,
you might look for Walker
at the Cowboy Festival this
year. He’ll be the one in the
aluminum cowboy hat.
