Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 127
‘Santa-time,’ or a kick
in the ornaments
I
fire, and all of us aboard are bracing for
started off these many days of Christthe inevitable crash, set for sometime bemas with the best of intentions, my
tween 6 p.m. today, Christmas Eve, and 10
friends.
a.m. Christmas Day.
I really did.
Despite everyone’s wishes to the conBut as I write this, it’s 3 a.m. Wednestrary, there will be
day-before-the-bigblood.
day and I’m at the keySomehow, every litboard in a sad attempt
tle bottled-up issue, and
to strangle some usesome big ones that are
fulness out of hours I’d
out of the bottle, will
otherwise be spending
slip past well-intenstaring wide-eyed into
tioned holiday lips.
the darkness from my
What is meant to be
sweaty mattress.
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
“Thank you” will come
Now don’t misunderout as “Is that the best
stand. It’s not any lack
you could do?”
of preparation for the holiday that has me
What is supposed to be “I love you”
riding the Insomnia Polar Express. My
will, instead, be “You never really undershopping is finished, and I won’t be enterstood me.”
taining guests. There is really little left to
And the grateful “What beautiful slacks
do.
you got me!” will turn to “Do you really
But at this point, our family’s annuthink my butt is that big?”
al holiday feud is still scheduled. So with
Now, no one comes to a holiday gathits brakes out, this train is rolling down
ering looking for a fight. It’s just that the
Christmas Mountain, picking up speed.
The mad-eyed stoker of sentimental exSee WALKER, A5
pectations is still shoveling coal on the
Jim
WALKER
Walker
Continued from A1
fights are lurking there unGer
our skins all year, and the
season puts the pressure on.
But there are also good
feelings, down there deeper,
and they could be brought out
if there was just enough time
to do it.
Santa could do it.
You see, the most logical
explanation for how Santa
can bring gifts to children all
around the world in one night,
and do so without ever getting
caught, is that he can stop
time.
With unlimited time, anything can be accomplished.
Even forgiving your brother
for wrecking your car last
year.
Imagine it. ...
Just at the moment your
brother starts bragging about
how he drove 85 mph all the
way to this year’s party, and
just when you are about to
confront him with his past
failures, time stands still for
everyone but you.
Your brother freezes in
place and you can tell him
everything you’ve ever
wanted to; pour it all out and
exhaust yourself. No
harm will be done to the party,
and the adjacent children will
escape any permanent
psychological trauma.
Maybe, with time stopped,
you could even slap your
brother around like Adam
Sandler did to David
Hasselhoff in the only good
scene in “Click.” (Well,
slapping and other things:
www.youtube.com/watch?
v=jk48nT_ytf8).
Now, it’s true your brother
won’t learn anything from the
experience because, with time
stopped, he won’t hear you.
He’ll still be a doofus. But
he wouldn’t learn from your
recriminations anyway, even if
he heard them in real time.
And, maybe, somewhere in
your cathartic experience of
telling him off, you might just
remember a couple of good
things he did for you way
back when — you know, like
telling you he saw your
girlfriend cheating on you.
You hated him at the time,
but you didn’t marry the
woman, who black-widowed
the guy she did marry. So, in
reality, your brother really
came through for you.
Even though the swine
enjoyed breaking the bad news
to you back then.
Maybe, with time stopped,
your sister-in-law’s pompous
lecturing about the production
of the high-priced wine she
brought will be a little more
tolerable. And with her frozen
in place, you can Google the
vineyard in question, and then
prepare a couple of questions
about it that she won’t know
the answer to — but you will.
That will shut her up.And if
she fails to zip her lips, pause
things again and drip a little
Tabasco sauce into her
wineglass. Then see if she still
likes the “pep-pery” flavor
she’s been raving about.
Of such comes holiday joy.
Finally, with time stopped, you
could study your mother.
Just as she begins to tell that
story, yet again, about how
you loved to run around with
your pants off as a child, you
could freeze time.
You might look deeply into
her motionless eyes and catch
the hint of fear there — fear
that, if she doesn’t rework the
grooves on these memories
each Christmas, they might
slip away forever.
You might just realize how
much you mean to her, and
vice versa, and let her do her
thing. You can act
embarrassed and hug her, and
then get her back by
RIfering to reenact the childhood moment for her.
I don’t know about you, but I
am resolved to employ a little
Santa-time perspective for the
holidays. I mean, it’s either
that or rat poison.
Merry Christmas!
:DONHU¶VKROLGDPXVLQJV
are actually intended to facilitate the greater good, no
matter how contrary to that
goal they might seem. There’s
no way they should be
construed as the opinion of
The Signal. He can be
reached at jwalker@thesignal.com.
