Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 125
ESCAPE Weekly
Dec. 3 - 9, 2010 – 6
The 55 days of Christmas
Helpful or hostile, you’ve got a lot of holidays to fill
T
sellers of the season can afford plenty
oday, Dec. 3, is already the
33rd day of Christmas … and of fruitcake for your children this
I’m starting to show the wear. year, your funds will have to come
from other sources. I have already
While many of you may
understand exactly what I’m pitching given mightily to the mortgage
conglomerate’s junket fund, and my
here, and are probably suffering
holiday “cheer” must come on the
similarly, I will explain to those who
might still, somehow, be operating on cheap as I peer in from outside your
colorfully-lit windows and my breath
a traditional calendar….
fogs up your glass.
You see, to twist a Ghost
But just because my
of Jacob Marley line,
celebrations are free, don’t
“Mankind is business” —
think they come easily.
and, in an effort to offset
It’s not all fudge and
the sluggish economy,
gingerbread. This nearlymerchants have been
two-months of Christmas
putting out the holiday
has me scrambling on
stalk-ings since, well,
a daily basis to find
October. Now, I am just
holiday-tinged activities
as weak-willed as the next
Jim Walker
that are, shall we say,
guy, so, crushed by this
Don’t Take Me Seriously
“complimentary.”
press for early seasonal
Now there are certainly
commerce, I got caught
many major seasonal freebees in any
up in the “spirit of Christmas” on the
community, but those events don’t
Monday after Halloween. It’s been 33
really get rolling until December. It
days of “the holidays” so far, and my
would seem the holiday happening
eyes are starting to bleed eggnog while
planners have not caught up with
my ear hairs grow out as tinsel.
the merchants on the whole after“But what about Thanksgiving,”
Halloween-start-for-Christmas thing.
you ask?
Oh please. This year it was just a big Consequently, filling November’s
first 30 days of Christmas agenda
meal on the way to the mall.
requires a little imagination, especially
Now, I must fess up here, and
Mondays through Thursdays. So
thereby put stakes of holly through the
here are just a few things you can do
hearts of all the purveyors of holiday
outside the Christmas box — for next
spending. Yes, it’s true; I’ve been to
November and for your “down” days
your shopping centers and seen your
tree and menorah lightings. I’ve strolled this December.
The Festival of Boat: Take your
through your garland-and-importedglass-ornament-festooned hallways. I’ve inflatable raft down to the nearest
marina. With a picnic basket, wine and
hummed along with your Christmas
battery operated Christmas lights, row
music and I’ve sampled your free
around the docks and loudly sing carols
cookies. I’ve watched your fountains
at anyone you see. This is the most fun
spew to the tune of “Jingle Bells,” I’ve
at about 2 a.m.
annoyed your Santas and I even got
Shop until they drop: Seasonal
bucked off a mechanical reindeer.
hires at super stores need something
But I ain’t spent nothin’.
to keep them busy during the preWhile I sincerely hope all you
Thanksgiving
Christmas
holidays. Load
up your
shopping
cart with
everything
you could
ever want
and, along
the way, be
sure to ask a lot of
difficult questions
of the newest
personnel. (You
can see who
they are by
their fearful
eyes.) Then, of
course, “realize”
you’ve left your
wallet at home
and ask them
to keep the cart
safe for you until
you return. Need I
mention you never will?
Solo for Santa (for guys
only): Put on sunglasses and a
trench coat, stick in your iPod ears
and stand silently, creepily and alone
in the line of moms and kids waiting
for Santa photo ops. If anyone tries
to engage you in conversation, merely
moan. When mall security comes
to chat with you, just say you’re
waiting for your nephew to join you.
The topper here is that, when your
“nephew” shows up, he turns out to be
another creepy guy in a trench coat.
And if you actually get as far as
Santa … well, that’s just gravy.
Now I am sure, if you really
try, you can come up with many
other “unique” ways to celebrate
the season. But somewhere in all
your struggles to find holiday cheer
through annoyance, you may,
actually, come face to face with the
Photo Illustration by Jim Walker
Thanksgiving is just a meal on the
way to the Christmas buying season.
And if you want to oll this whole,
55-day season with holiday cheer,
you’ll have to use your imagination.
truest of truisms. It is better to give
than to receive. And you might find
that filling all those November and
December nights with joy might best
be accomplished by doing something,
heaven forbid, nice for somebody else.
(No, seriously. I’m telling you to
do this so I won’t have to. I am a firm
believer that you can delegate the
spreading of good will.)
You see, as old, dead Marley actually
put it, “Mankind was my business.
The common welfare was my business;
charity, mercy, forbearance and
benevolence were all my business….”
Why not give it a shot?
You’ve got 22 more days to fill.
If you can’t find Walker out harassing
folks for the holidays, e-mail him at
jwalker@the-signal.com.
