Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 123
ESCAPE Weekly
Nov. 19 - 25, 2010 – 5
888: Is evil calling?
Maybe the three eights should replace the three sixes in our darkest fears
I
“Hello.” Maybe the system’s auto-dialer
’m here to tell you, the real “beast”
has a voice recognition program to
is represented by three eights, not
detect that tension, and save the realthree sixes. And if you’ve followed
life operator from a hostile earful when
my struggles of late, you know exactly
he picks up — or maybe the caller
where I’m coming from. The 888 “area
expects me to answer in Spanish — but,
code” and its accomplices 800, 866 and
whatever the case, my 888
877 are basically screaming
demon never speaks up.
black holes of doom
There is only the hiss of
lurking in wait to suck your
white noise and my repeated
money, your house and
utterances of “Hello….
your soul into everlasting
Hello…. Please don’t call
nothingness.
me anymore.” (Or worse, as
You think you are
I get more perturbed.)
getting a call for free?
At first this was kinda
It’s the devil’s baited
fun,
as I got to say things
hook, my friends.
Jim Walker
I
never
would say to a
You think you are
Don’t Take Me Seriously
real person — you know,
getting assistance?
describing exactly how my
You will only be
day was going, in exquisite detail, or
transferred from one sulfurous cubicle
to the next as demons hiss with laughter offering up my views on reality shows.
But, eventually, the silence on the other
and draw you deeper into hell.
end of the line began to work on my
Now this beast I bring to your
paranoid mind. One’s imagination
attention has numberless tentacles of
gets carried away in such cases and one
myriad sizes. Some of the largest are
concocts evermore elaborate and fanciful
there to drag you through the hopeless
scenarios for who is calling and why.
home loan modification process into
Consider….
certain foreclosure. However, there
Spies: Maybe the CIA or British
are smaller, less overtly malevolent
MI6 has flopped a couple digits and is
tentacles that wiggle their tips at you
mistakenly calling my number while
like crooking fingers, coyly enticing you
trying to reach a real-world, James
further and further into oblivion.
Bond-type super spy for a critical
They start with a good deal here, or
mission. But I must utter the correct
a “club” price there, and only bleed you
code phrase upon answering or they
with pinpricks at first. But, as with any
can’t move forward with the plan. And
other parasite, when you get enough of
though I have tried “Moe sent me,”
these “suckers” hanging on, you drop
“Pick your feet in Poughkeepsie,” “Mary
from anemia.
had a little lamb,” and “Soup’s on,”
And these days you don’t even have
I, apparently, haven’t got it right and
to dial the “toll free” numbers. They
the world is, increasingly, in jeopardy
call you.
through my inaction, spy-wise. This one
As it turns out, one of these has
discovered my cell phone number of late, really keeps me up at night.
and has called me, maybe 20 times, over
Your sign: I find myself wondering
the last few days.
if the 888 call has been timed by the
Now I am only, occasionally, a
universe to interrupt some course
fool, and when I see the 888 area code
or courses of action I am pursuing.
calling, I get that certain “tone” in my
Without any message being voice-
delivered, the mere ringing of my
phone itself is a cosmic order to cease
and desist. As a result of this, I must
completely stop working for at least an
hour every time the phone rings. If it
catches me on the freeway, I put on the
brakes. Go around buddy.
Now, with this line of thinking I
can also try to spell words of celestial
command from the numbers calling
me. But 888-I-GOTCHA is the only
coherent thing I can make out of it.
Yes, the infantile universe really
cracks itself up sometimes.
(And, I kid you not, that call came
again, just now as I was writing this.
Seriously. Hmmm… So I will forge
ahead, mulishly assuming I am doing
the best thing ever, here.)
The great beyond: But taking the
“sign” thought a bit further, and with a
nod toward that “Twilight Zone” episode
where the phone line goes into the grave,
my silent caller has me wondering if
he or she is calling from the afterlife or
the great beyond with a very important
message that could change my frivolous
life if I would but listen. However, my
lack of worthiness to receive this message,
as evidenced by my ’tude, prevents its
being given. With this in mind, I vow,
in future, to answer expectantly, even
cheerfully, and receive the pitch with a
completely open and compliant mind.
And, of course, this is what the 888
tentacle is waiting for — whereupon it
will steal any future fortune I may amass.
But an inspired thought occurred
as I finished this lament — and I have
just copyrighted the mystery-888calling premise outlined above for my
upcoming TV movie and novel. I will
sell you the rights for a paltry $1 million
tax-free…
… and now I know what it was all for!
Never mind. Forget everything bad I
said about 888.
jwalker@the-signal.com
Presented by Marie Callender's
November 19-20
Greg Otto
Ron Morey
$12 Cover
Dinner and the show starting at $24.49
November 26-27
Larry Miller
Eric Hunter
$20 Cover
Dinner and the show starting at $32.49
December 3-4
Danny Villalpando
from Comedy Central
Brandon Vestal
from Last Comic Standing
$12 Cover
Dinner and the show starting at $24.49
Reservations & Info
259-2291
Located in Marie Callender·s
www.comedyinvalencia.com
