Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 120
Walker
Continued from A1
close to describing the theme
of my life recently.
Yet I persevered.
So how did I get through
this working vacation in
hell?
Day by day, breathing in
and out, and putting one foot
in front of the other — plus I
had a lot of help and support
from friends, coworkers and
family, and a lot of prayers
were said on my behalf.
In addition, some good citizens came to my rescue at
the 11th hour. Rest assured,
my friends, this has all been
a life-altering experience,
and I will endeavor to be
worthy of your efforts.
So what, then, did I learn
from this tempering in the
fire?
I learned many things, including some very important
ones that I won’t tarnish by
speaking of openly. However, I will share one thought.
...
Whosoever says to you
“It’s all about the journey”
just might need a smack to
the side of the head.
Trust me, some “journeys” should be avoided at
all costs.
Still, you can find the
lighter side of anything, and
sometimes you have to. The
following observations all
relate to moving out of my
home of 25 years, which was
only one part of my recent
trip into torment.
And all of these skews
of reality arose from stress
— mind-bending, arterypopping, crush-you-down
stress.
Murphy’s Law: The overriding force directing your
times-under-stress is Murphy’s Law — “Whatever can
go wrong, will go wrong.”
This is not to say that everything will go wrong because, if it did, you would
just give up and suck your
thumb. And then the cosmic
audience would get bored.
Instead, random things
will go wrong – no matter
how many lists you make or
how conscientious you try
to be. Your hard drive will
crash. You will lock your
keys and cell phone in the car.
And you will accidentally sell
your birth certificate with a
box of old picture frames.
Poltergeist: Some would
say you are distracted when
under stress. I say it’s a poltergeist.
Scissors you placed down
beside you, within an arm’s
reach, will relocate to other
rooms. Vital paperwork will
hide in the refrigerator. And
keys will do what keys always
do — only repeatedly, and to
the extreme.
Time: Time is a trickster.
When you have six hours to
complete an important task,
stress guarantees that four of
them will be frittered away
with ridiculous delays. You
will drop that all-important
screw into that deep crack
and spend half an hour constructing a robotic arm from
a coat hanger and chewing
gum to retrieve it — this after
you have to drive to the store
to get batteries for the flashlight to see into the crack.
You will tape the roll of
packing tape into a box and
spend 20 minutes looking for
it — with an extra 10 minutes
added on to get rid of the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
And you will, always put
the next item you will need in
the bottom of a meticulously packed container, which is
then placed in the most hardto-reach part of your storage,
which is 20 minutes away
when you realize you have to
go back.
The pound of flesh: If
your period of stress involves
dealing with objects (and
moving out of your home certainly does), it is a dead-bang
lock that some of these objects will do their best to injure you.
No matter how careful you
are while cutting rope with a
razor-sharp knife, that knife
will get you later when you sit
on it. Your knuckles will always be the most prominent
extension as you carry a big
box through a door frame,
and you will find the open
cabinet door with your forehead.
I propose that anyone doing his own moving leaves
enough chunks and drips
of DNA behind to clone an
army. And don’t bother looking for your Band-Aids in
the mess. Packing tape and
paper towels work just as
well.
Now I realize that, if you
knew the ins and outs of my
recent struggles, they might
pale in comparison to what
you might be undergoing.
And I also realize that, when
karma catches his breath,
he will challenge me to a rematch.
There will be more dark
passages in the future, more
journeys to try to “enjoy.”
But not for awhile ... please.
However, I think I lost
five pounds on this last
expedition, so ‘t’sallgood.
jwalker@the-signal.com
