Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 105
There’s no stop with the World Cup Flop
S
o your supervisor has been riding you pretty hard, right? He’s
been nitpicking for weeks, nipping at your heels and getting in the
way as you’ve struggled to bring that
big project toward the goal line.
And then, at the last minute, just
before the presentation to the company president, your supervisor reaches
in and pulls the project file from your
sweaty fingers, intending to take all
the credit.
What do you do?
Do you suck it up?
Complain to HR?
Eat a whole cheesecake for lunch?
Go home and poke the parakeet
with a chopstick?
No. You do the World Cup Flop.
That’s right. Just as the company president is passing by, you brush
against your supervisor, scream in
pain and dive dramatically toward the
floor.
There you writhe in simulated agony, holding your knee with one hand
and pounding the carpet with the other. Then you point at your supervisor accusingly and shout, “He kicked
me!”
This, my friend, is guaranteed to
put a unique twist on the average
day at the office. People are not prepared for it. And, unless your company president is an experienced soccer
referee, it just might work.
When the president pulls your supervisor’s pink slip out and holds it
aloft, sending him out of the meeting and out of the building, you casually get up and score with the presentation.
So there you go. Zero to hero, all
through acting.
But don’t forget to limp a little afterward, j-u-u-u-s-t to make everyone
feel good about the decision.
Now in soccer, where this flopping
has become an art form, they don’t
make use of instant replay. There’s
no opportunity for a referee to watch
things a second time in slow-mo to
see just how good an actor a flopper
was.
Once the call is made, the deed is
done, regardless of the fact 200 million people get to watch it over and
over on television and realize the ref
Jim
WALKER
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
was conned by a master thespian.
It’s likewise in the company meeting room. Well, you know, unless
they have a security camera in there.
Can you imagine the instant replay
analysis if they did? The company
president, vice president and head of
HR go back to the security room and
run the video of the incident back and
forth, again and again.
President (in a Scottish accent):
“Well, Roberto, you can see there was
contact made, but the supervisor did
touch the file first, and there seemed
to be no malicious intent on his part.”
Vice president: (in a Spanish accent): “Derek, I agree. The subordinate clearly took a dive on that one
— and cannot be allowed to get away
with it.
In this case, with video evidence,
you might just end up on the short
end of a lawsuit. So that is why your
first order of business at any new job
is to make friends with the security guy and learn where the cameras
are pointed — and where you are off
camera and can, you know, get away
with stuff.
Now, of course, this system can be
abused. There are people out there
who make their livings by filing spurious lawsuits after performing versions of the World Cup Flop — slipping in wet spots at the supermarket
and such, and then getting dirty doctors to diagnose phony injuries.
This is not what we intend here.
We’re talking about justified flops,
which can be employed in countless
situations where fairness can only be
found through ... well, melodramatic
manipulation.
For example, the World Cup Flop is
perfect for ending mother-in-law visits, for getting a break during a faceto-face IRS audit, and for sending
would-be line-cutters packing.
You can even get an annoying
6-year-old put into “time out” by pretending he poked you in the eye.
But you have to keep in mind the
three principles of the World Cup
Flop:
(1) There must be one or more “referees” present — people you can impress with your act who can then
make, or assist in making, a decision
that benefits you.
Policemen do not make good referees, as they are likely to arrest all parties involved and let lawyers sort it
out later.
However, crowds do make good
referees, provided that you give the
folks an appropriate show and they
can share your pain. That’s why the
flop is perfect for use against linecutters. Everyone who has been waiting in a line for any length of time
is fully expecting someone to try to
cut in and ready to join a mob action
against them.
(2) Flops must not be employed in
situations or locations where such
outbursts and assaults are commonplace, or where your offender might actually haul off and, you
know, “foul” you when aggravated.
Such out-of-bounds locations would
include prisons, street corners in
sketchy neighborhoods, and DMV offices. Good locations might include
hospitals, upscale restaurants and
churches.
(3) As previously mentioned, there
should be no video of the incident.
You have to be able to quickly inflame your referee’s sense of justice,
get the proper result while everyone
is still in shock, and get away cleanly,
with no follow-up possible.
And it’s always best if your referee is under time pressure. He’s much
more likely to give a flopper his way
and be done with it when there are
other, cranky people who need to be
served.
So there you have it. Used correctly, drama can be a very effective
problem-solver. Take it from the pros
and do the World Cup Flop.
Jim Walker can be reached at
jwalker@the-signal.com. His column
reflects his own views, not necessarily those of The Signal.
