Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 102
Post-Mother’s Day and guilt-ing the lily
B
efore I go any further,
let me chip into stone
the epitaph that I have
a perfect mother, and she has
a perfect son (and yes, my
brothers, I am talking about
me).
So please take anything
you read here as the stuff of
imagination wrung from a
sitcom-saturated mind. My
childhood was perfect, I love
my mom, she loves me, all
bets are off, and no harm, no
foul.
So I sent Mom a Mother’s
Day card last week — and
called on Sunday, too. That
should easily put me in the
upper echelons of good sons,
right?
Then why do I feel guilty?
Really, where do you draw
the line on Mother’s Day? Is
a card enough? A card and
a call? A card and a visit? A
card, a visit and dinner? A
Porsche, a new grandchild,
or finally joining the priesthood?
Well, it all depends on two
things: the guilt your mother
lays on you and the guilt you
accept.
(Here we wait for the howling to stop.)
Now don’t get me wrong.
some reAmong
ally bad
the
moth“personers out
al holthere. You
idays,”
know, like
I think
the one
MothMo’Nique
er’s Day
DON’T
TAKE
ME
SERIOUSLY
played
is tops.
in “PreI mean
cious.” (And I refuse to write
Valentine’s Day was invent“Based on the novel ‘Push’ by
ed by the devil, Father’s Day
Sapphire,” which is ridiculous
was only designed as a limp
payback, birthdays are some- and ... drat ... I just did.)
But if crystal meth is the
thing to be feared and boss/
most valued thing to a mothsecretary days are only for
er, and she shares a little with
those bosses/secretaries who
you, well, that’s sacrifice —
are having affairs.
with a capital “ice.”
(Really, more howling?)
So even the worst mothBut, getting back to my
ers should get a little sumpin’point, despite the fact your
mother will one day be nomi- sumpin’ on the day. You just
nated for sainthood, what you have to make sure it passes
give her for Mother’s Day, al- through security at the “facility.”
beit your total devotion, will
Now daughters can pay
never be enough — for you or
forward their debts to their
for her.
You will always feel guilty, mothers when they give up
their souls for their own chiland though she may or may
dren. But sons are counted
not let on, she will always
out from the get-go.
know she deserves more.
You can be a dad, the
And she does deserve
more. Whatever you give her, world’s best, but it’s like
bringing pennies to a highit will pale in comparison to
stakes poker game in comthe sacrifices she made for
parison to mom-hood.
you.
And, believe it or not, sons
Now I will admit, there are
Jim
WALKER
carry much more motherguilt than do daughters.
We’re just a lot better at ignoring it.
We’re guys, and we can
count on the “I’m not sentimental” ploy. No one besides
our moms ever expects us to
step up and give our mothers
their due.
And even our moms only
wish we were capable of that.
Deep inside, they know better.
I mean, we weren’t even
able to pick up our socks back
in the day.
So, given the fact you will
always be in your mother’s
debt, and feel the corresponding guilt no matter how garishly you shower her with
gifts — to do so is really just
hopeless overkill, or gilding
the lily. A short poem sent
via text is all that the law requires.
My dearest mudder
U rock like no udder
Or you can take two minutes out of your grocery shopping to pick out the card with
the funny cat on it that acts
like hers. You know, it acts
lazy, like so few of them do.
So, Mom, add this column
to the card I sent you and
know that you are truly appreciated. Oh, and add these
lines below, too. Though I
cannot take credit for them,
I went to the great trouble of
Googling to find them — and
they apply to you, one who is
un-improvable.
From Shakespeare’s “King
John”:
Therefore, to be possess’d
with double pomp,
To guard a title that was
rich before,
To gild refined gold, to
paint the lily,
To throw a perfume on the
violet,
To smooth the ice, or add
another hue
Unto the rainbow, or with
taper-light
To seek the beauteous eye
of heaven to garnish,
Is wasteful and ridiculous
excess.
Let’s see how your Porsche
stands up to that sucker.
Jim Walker can be reached
at jwalker@the-signal.com.
His column reflects his own
views, not necessarily those
of The Signal.
