Don't Take Me Seriously - Book - Page 100
Stress and the fine art of rebuttal
S
o they put your mom
back in prison. And
they repossessed your
truck. The dog flunked out
of college, and your calf implants slid down into cankles.
Yet another of your girlfriends has announced she
wants to try out for the “other team,” and random people keep calling to say they
got your number off a wall
— and ask what you give
them for their $200 during a
half-hour “Trip to Istanbul.”
Are you a little cranky,
my brother?
Well, you might have a
right to be. But, whatever you do, try not to snap.
Be sure to keep your verbal
regulator firmly in place.
Do not let anyone know
your goat has been got with
a less-than-considered response to any prickly comment, command or question
that might come your way.
It’s called the fine art of
rebuttal, and you need to
have your wits about you to
come out on top.
Think about it. Haven’t
there been hundreds of
times during your lifetime
when you thought up just
the right thing to say — 10
minutes after you said just
the wrong thing?
This is
golf reservations
what drives
for Saturday, so
fools to
you know darn
be writgood and well he
ers. They
won’t be workhave to put
ing with you.
on paper
The well-con... later ...
sidered, wellwhat they
rehearsed response would
couldn’t
be: Before you
pull out of
answer him,
the brainsuddenly get
mud when
an emergenit counted.
DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
cy phone call:
Now,
“Ooops, phone’s
of course,
on vibrate, gotta take this —
your desire to reply to any
it’s my mom from prison. I’ll
wounding query or statement with a sufficiently cut- get right back to you.”
Then, of course, you turn
ting remark will increase
off your phone and disappear
as your stress level goes up.
for the weekend. This is effecThat’s a given.
tive and easy to remember unBut, sadly, your ability to
der stress ... if you practice.
carry that out efficiently, with
Now, if you are unprea productive outcome, will decrease correspondingly. Stress pared and yet not particularfreezes up the brain and, when ly stressed-out, a less-considered, but still somewhat viable
tense, even a wordsmith may
response might come to you:
only be able to come back
You agree to do the Saturday
with “Uh ... your mom!”
work cheerfully, but get the
It only makes you feel
boss to commit to some comp
smaller.
time for you.
Say, for instance, at 6 p.m.
The problem here is that
on a Friday night, your boss
tells you he needs you to come you know he will never come
through. Still, at least it
in on Saturday and help him
sounds like you aren’t a
flesh out that project that isn’t
complete chump.
due until next month.
But with the tension exAnd he mentions this after
tra high — say like you just
you’ve just heard him make
JIM
WALKER
spilled hot coffee in your lap
a moment before your boss
speaks — your mind might
shut down and your kneejerk response might just be to,
well, knee-jerk him.
Pretty much counterproductive.
Now there are many famous lines in history that
were well-considered responses — and also those
blurted out under stress.
Take Nathan Hale’s famous
last words: “I only regret that
I have but one life to give for
my country.”
That’s powerful stuff —
powerful enough to be remembered centuries later.
But do you really think Hale
cooked that up at the last
minute, while a rum-breathed
hangman slipped a noose
around his neck?
With all due respect, I submit that he had a whole night
awaiting his execution to get
the words just right. “I am
sorry that...” no, wait ... “I am
unhappy that...” no ... “I only
regret that. ... ” That’s better.
He probably would have
had the words written
down on a cheat sheet if he
thought his hands would be
free.
On the other end of the
spectrum, consider Julius
Caesar. He knew he was un-
popular and probably had a
lot of choice words ready for
use if he saw an execution
coming.
But, unfortunately, he was
done in all of a sudden, so
he was kind of stressed at
the time. All he got out was:
“Et tu, Brute?”
And, it’s more than likely that, as Brutus was stabbing him, Caesar actually
said something like “@*#&
tu, Brute!”
Not exactly a shining moment in last words, though
still a step above “your
mom.”
So, memorize a selection
of edgy responses suitable
for a multitude of occasions
— and practice them. As
your ultimate kicker, have
an insulting Latin phrase welloiled and ready.
When every other thought
seizes up in your brain, you can
still pull this one out: “Damnant quod non intellegunt.”
No one will understand what
you said and, thereby, you win.
Well, unless they just assume you’re a “Harry Potter”
freak.
Jim Walker can be
reached at jwalker@thesignal.com. His column reflects his own views and
not necessarily those of
The Signal.
